body love

Learning My Body’s Unique Language

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My body is wise, and she sends me signals every minute of the day: Feed me. I’m thirsty. Go to sleep.

Part of my journey to accept and love my body was a promise to listen to her. There were a lot of years when I ignored her distress signals. And there were plenty of times when I’d ignored her for so long that I couldn’t even hear her anymore. Her cries were camouflaged by the cacophony of my life.

It was easier to ignore my body than attend to her because I didn’t want to confront all the uncomfortable feelings that arose when I did spend time thinking about her.

Creating a relationship with my body has forced me to excavate her voice so that I can hear her even when she whispers now.

The thing is, I don’t always like what she says. I can be stubborn and insist on learning lessons in hard, sometimes painful ways before I accept them. Take my obsession with diet soda as a good example.

Breaking Up with DDP

Mind had been telling me for a long time to stop drinking the DDP. That’s Diet Dr. Pepper. But I loved it. I craved its cold fizziness first thing in the morning. Even though I knew that it was not a healthy way to love Body, I drank it anyway. As vices go, I figured it could be much worse.

But Mind got fed up and had a conversation with Body. And Body took charge. She decided that she’d make me quit drinking the soda since I refused to give it up on my own.

How did she manage that task? She made Mouth erupt in painful, aggravating ulcers.

It took me a while to clue into her strategy. And then I tested it a handful of times, just to see if she meant business. To be sure. And she was sure, all right. Every time I drank a DDP, Mouth got an ulcer.

So now I don’t drink DDP. Hardly ever. And never very much if I do risk the indulgence.

Body taught me that she knows what’s best for me, and that if I’ll listen to her sooner rather than later, I can avoid a lot of hurt and aggravation.

How to Listen to Your Body

The idea of listening to our bodies can be confusing, understandably. How do you listen to your body when it doesn’t actually talk?

You must learn to interpret the ways she does communicate with you. Just like learning any new language, you have to practice real-world conversations if you want to deepen your understanding. But unlike other languages, Google Translate can’t help you when you’re stuck because each of our bodies communicates with us differently.

For example, my body tells me:

  • I’m stressed and am trying to do too much in a hurry when I get constipated.
  • I’m healing something (could be physically, emotionally, or mentally) when I need to rest a lot.
  • I need to move more when my lower back gets tight and pain flares down my right leg.
  • I’m hearing a truth when I get goose bumps and instant tears prick my eyes.
  • I feel expansive in my chest and radiant all over when I’m doing something aligned with my purpose, like when I gave the Ignite Charlotte talk.

I’ve learned how to interpret my body’s messages by being curious and by paying attention. It’s a slow process, and I still have a lot to learn about my body’s unique language, but the reward of getting to know my body so closely is worth the effort.

Self-Trust

I have so much more trust in myself and in my body now that we communicate regularly. This greater level of trust in my body spills over into other areas of my life too. I trust my intuition, or gut instinct, when I get a clear feeling that something is not right for me. I don’t second guess myself anymore, and I take better care of myself because I can anticipate many of my body’s needs. She shows me when she likes the care I offer her.

Even though my body doesn’t talk to me in a traditional way, we’re in constant communication. And I’m so grateful to listen to her wisdom.

Artwork by Mica Gadhia

5 Ways to Love Your Body Today

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You can show your body love, even if you don’t actually love your body. Acting in a kind, compassionate, gentle way toward your body is a way to offer your body respect and acceptance. And it’s a powerful practice because when you act loving, you often shift your mindset, which will impact your relationship with your body.

These acts of love are easy-peasy, lemon squeezy. Some of them you probably already do. If that’s the case, I invite you to perform those tasks with the intention to care for your body. Be deliberate and acknowledge the kindness you’re offering your body.

A pair of brown hands with pink fingernails holds a small mound of dirt. Heart flowers sprout from the dirt. The painting is on a green background.
Artwork by Mica Gadhia

1. Go to the bathroom as soon as you feel the urge.

Don’t hold it. Don’t wait to finish the task. Don’t avoid going because you’re in public. Just excuse yourself if needed and take your sweet self to the bathroom. You’ll feel immediate relief and so will your body.

2. Put on a sweater if the air conditioning is freezing. Or cool yourself down by shedding a layer if the heat is sweltering.

Don’t be uncomfortable if the air temperature is too hot or too cold. If you’re indoors, adjust the thermostat or turn a fan on/off. Don’t sit at your desk and shiver. Put a sweater on. Or if the heat is making you grumpy, take the jacket off. You don’t have to hide your arms.

3. Brush your teeth.

Give some gentle attention to those chompers. Don’t rush the two minutes. And if you’re feeling like offering something extra, floss too. Your teeth will feel smooth, your mouth fresh, and your body will feel a little bit cared for.

4. Drink some water.

Stick your head under the faucet and slurp it up. Or pull out a fancy glass and garnish with fresh fruit. It doesn’t matter how you do it, just hydrate. Don’t worry if it’s the “right” amount.

5. Rest when you’re tired.

Whether you’ve hit an afternoon slump or a wave of exhaustion is knocking you out, let yourself slow down. Maybe that looks like a long nap. Maybe it’s a ten-minute snooze with your eyes closed. Maybe it’s walking away from a tiresome task and coming back to it after you’ve had a dance break. Maybe it’s going to bed as soon as you’re tired rather than at a specific time.

Acts of Service

Acts of love are a way to be of service to your body. They show your body that you’re a trustworthy partner, even if you’re reluctant to accept your body.

Sometimes you’re so disconnected from your body that you don’t even notice the small ways that you do take care of it. This practice allows you to connect with your body multiple times in the day to see how it’s doing.

Reflection

Pick a day this week and commit to practicing all five of these activities for an entire day. Then give yourself space to reflect on what happened. Possible journal prompts:

  • Were any tasks easy to do? Did you resist any of these tasks?
  • How did you feel after a day of taking deliberate care of your body in these ways?
  • Is there a loving task(s) that you want to continue?

Dear Voice,

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Your worth can never be measured in a mirror.

Nicole C. Ayers

It’s been a month since you stepped onto the Ignite Charlotte stage, and I think I’m finally ready to reflect on the experience.

The weeks leading up to the event were a predictable roller coaster of emotions as I moved through all the steps of the creative process. Because I cared so much about this talk, each stage was intense—the highs were high and the lows were low. I’m so glad I chronicled each part of the journey because I know it will be a shining beacon for our next adventures.

I want more than anything for you and me to have more adventures like Ignite Charlotte.

The day of the talk, Nerves made an appearance, of course. But I used every tool that I have to keep them in the back seat while I drove.

I pampered myself and did things, like painting my nails and getting my hair styled, that make me feel beautiful. I’m sure you’re wondering why I spent time beautifying myself when my whole message is about not needing to look any certain way to be worthy of self-acceptance and love. I get it, and I promise I’m not being a hypocrite.

I chose to do things that make me feel beautiful and cared for because I wanted to radiate my shine. Having fancy hair and wearing makeup and nail polish all help me tap into my sparkle. As did my choice to wear glitter sneakers rather than high heels. Heels make me feel unsteady, so I didn’t wear them. Choosing jewelry that made me smile felt as good as the playlist I blasted on my way to the venue.

Each of my choices was designed to help me FEEL radiant, not LOOK beautiful.

So what else did I do to prepare?

I prayed. I asked Divi (my nickname for the Divine) to use you to spread the message of body-loving liberation through the talk. I sang and danced on the car ride. I chatted with my fellow participants. As show time neared, I took myself to a quiet(ish) spot, plopped myself in the floor, closed my eyes, and breathed. I sweet-talked myself and soothed Nerves.

When it was finally our turn, Hand made a deliberate effort to hold the mic gently. I took one more grounding breath. And you rang out.

You were glorious and steady and strong. You said everything I wanted you to say, and you were magnificent. I am so proud of you, so proud of us.

You took every moment I’ve prepared for public speaking—starting with that speech in fifth grade about Mrs. Woods, the school cafeteria manager, and her chicken noodle soup that warmed hearts as much as bellies—and you announced to the world that you are ready for more.

I don’t know yet what more looks like, but I’m dreaming wildly about the possibilities. I envision us speaking to small, intimate groups of women and standing on brightly lit stages in packed auditoriums. And podcasts and IGTV interviews and opportunities that I’ve yet to even dream up.

We are going to change the world, one talk at a time.

Nicole C. Ayers

More Than a Body Book Review

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“Positive body image isn’t believing your body looks good; it is knowing your body is good, regardless of how it looks.”

Book Description: Our beauty-obsessed world perpetuates the idea that happiness, health, and ability to be loved are dependent on how we look, but authors Lindsay and Lexie Kite offer an alternative vision. With insights drawn from their extensive body image research, Lindsay and Lexie—PhDs and founders of the nonprofit Beauty Redefined (and also twin sisters!)—lay out an action plan that arms you with the skills you need to reconnect with your whole self and free yourself from the constraints of self-objectification.

I recently read More Than a Body: Your Body Is an Instrument, Not an Ornament  by Dr. Lindsay Kite and Dr. Lexie Kite. Their IG account, @beauty_redefined, is one I love to follow, so I have been looking forward to reading their book.

It’s a solid read about living in a world that tries to make us believe that how we look is the most important thing about us. They use a metaphor, the Sea of Self-Objectification, throughout the book to help readers understand the many ways, or waves, that we can be overwhelmed by how we view our bodies, as well as other people’s.

They weave together research and personal stories to offer actionable ideas to stop objectifying our bodies. I especially like their focus on building resilience as we practice facing our “feelings of body shame or embarrassment” and using them as “a catalyst for personal growth.” Their reflection questions, if answered thoughtfully, can help readers get very clear about how they feel about their bodies and why.

My favorite section was “Critiquing and Creating Your Media Environment” with “From Divided to United as Women” my second. Back in my classroom days, I taught media literacy to my students, so I was happy to see the way this book helps readers deconstruct media messaging about our bodies as well as offering tips about how to curate media experiences that don’t leave us filled with body shame. And helping women understand that we don’t have to push anyone else down to lift ourselves up, especially around how we look, is a message that I will always support.

I also appreciated their thoughts about school dress codes, as I navigate this gauntlet daily with my daughters. On this and many other topics, they helped me refine my own thoughts and provided language to support me in articulating the messages I want to share.

I think this would be a fantastic read for people new to the concept of body acceptance. But it’s also useful for people who have been treating their bodies with more kindness for a while to refresh and refine their thoughts.

Dear Creativity,

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I was recently selected as an Ignite Charlotte 11 speaker.

May 11, 2021, you and I will be dancing onstage together to deliver a talk called “Be a Rebel: Love Your Body from Your Crow’s-Feet to Your Pinky Toes.”

Thrilling, yes!

But I’ve entered the phase of your cycle where I think my talk sucks, and I’m about to tiptoe into “I suck” territory.

By now, I’ve written enough to have moved through your cycle multiple times. I also coach writers on how fickle their feelings are when they are working on something important with you. I have seen hundreds of authors move through these very same phases.

And while the experience does help me know that I won’t wallow in the despair forever, it doesn’t make it less difficult. I thought if I wrote to you about what I go through every time I sign your dance card, it might help me move through your cycle with a little more flow.

The Creative Process

The creative-process phases, as I see them (based on the work of many other creative souls who’ve documented their own phases):

  • Everything is wonderful. I am wonderful.
  • Hmmm, this is harder than I expected.
  • Wow, this sucks.
  • I suck.
  • It’s still bad, but I think I can work with it.
  • This is wrapping up nicely. I might even be proud of it.
  • Hot damn, I’m finished. It just might be wonderful. Even if it’s not, it’s enough. I am enough.

April 1, 2021: Everything is wonderful. I am wonderful.

I’m in! I was selected to be on the Ignite stage May 11. They are giving me a mic, and I am going to say the important things about loving our bodies.

There’s no April Fool’s joke here. This is legit.

I can’t tell anyone but my family yet, but holy moly, I am so stinking excited. I am going to light up that stage with all my sage wisdom about self-love. Word-maven extraordinaire right here. Of course they chose me. I am dynamite. And my talk is going to be the best Ignite talk that has ever been given on any Ignite stage ever in the world.

I know I’ve only got five minutes, but that’s all I’m gonna need to convince the audience to offer their bodies more love. Five minutes means less to memorize. Five minutes means I can get right to the point.

This is an amazing opportunity to open up my public speaking career.

I am awesome!

April 10, 2021: Hmmm, this is harder than I expected.

I wrote the entire talk in my head while lying in bed the other night. I even visualized myself on stage, hitting just the right tone, making people laugh, moving them to think about their relationships with their bodies. So how come what I’ve written feels so flat?

I need to liven it up. I’ll throw some notes in the comments and let them marinate.

Oh, dang—what are the three points I’m supposed to cover? What did I say again? Oh, here they are. Looks like I missed the mark a bit.

Okay, no big deal. This is just a draft. Let me revise.

Images! What images am I going to use for the slide show? Don’t worry, just throw possibilities in a folder and revisit once you’ve finalized the talk.

April 20, 2021: Wow, this sucks.

I haven’t worked on my talk in a few days. I gave it to Terry, my husband and my alpha (first) reader, because I need somebody else’s eyeballs on it.

Nothing is working. It’s still flat. I know it needs more personality, more personal connection, but everything I try to add still reads more like a lecture than an engaging talk. I can’t see what to cut. It’s all important, and also, I know it doesn’t all need to be there.

I feel stuck on the images, too, because I feel like I can’t really work with them until I have the words finalized. And I’ve got to get them finalized because I’ve got to start memorizing them.

Terry came back with his initial feedback last night. My talk sucks. He didn’t say that. He was kind and encouraging, but he’s also truthful, which is why I ask him for feedback. And what I’m hearing is that the talk sucks.

I don’t know how to fix it.

Still April 20, 2021: I suck.

Well, hello. Didn’t take long at all to arrive here. I knew I was close to the line, but this feels like a harsh arrival. Did you push me? You pushed me, didn’t you?

I can’t believe that I applied to give a five-minute talk on a stage. With slides that autoadvance every fifteen seconds. Why did I do that? I don’t know what I’m doing. Why did I think I could handle this?

And oh my god, I’ve told so many people already.

My talk sucks. I have no idea how to fix it. How am I supposed to deliver a sucky talk? Cause that’s exactly what’s about to happen. I’m going to get on that stage with a sucky talk that I’m embarrassed to give, and I’m going to probably forget half of it because it’s so bad my brain refuses to hold onto the steaming dung heap. Then I will be forever known as the woman who literally ignited on the Ignite stage because her talk was so bad. I hope they have fire extinguishers.

I could quit. That would feel like a relief. And also shame. I am not wired to break a commitment I’ve made. Quitting would be a mercy for the audience. Oh god, the audience. What if my talk is so bad they ended up hating on their bodies more? What if my talk inspires them to ramp up their nastygram narrator? Why wouldn’t it? Mine is running wild right now.

I feel like a hypocrite. With a sucky talk.

I have done this to myself with my grandiose notions of being a public speaker.

I suck.

April 23, 2021: It’s still bad, but I think I can work with it.

Okay, I don’t suck. I know I don’t. It just felt that way for a short bit. Thank you for staying with me through the hard part.

Because you were still weaving your inventive magic behind the scenes while I was melting down, I figured out that the structure of the talk was off. I’ve added clear through lines and transitions, so the audience will be able to follow along.

There’s a lot more revision work ahead. I’m going to have to make the talk more personal. Part of what was missing was my own story, or at least a peek at it. So now I’m adding color and telling microstories. Making connections across gender identities and different body types, finding the common threads while honoring our different experiences.

I’ve got lots more image ideas now too. I’m still stuck around this, but now that the talk is moving forward again, I know I can make progress on the slides.

I recorded myself reading what I’ve got. The timing is solid, which is a huge relief. I can work with this.

May 2, 2021: This is wrapping up nicely. I might even be proud of it.

High five, me! And you, dear creativity! We are doing this thang!

The talk is complete. And it feels good. Sounds like me.

I’m so grateful for the feedback that helped me refine it. After a family car trip where they patiently listened to me deliver the talk, Terry and the girls gave me stellar advice. Then a longtime edibuddy (talking about you, Shannon!) went above and beyond to give me helpful editorial feedback and some brilliant suggestions for images to use.

One of the things I enjoyed most about receiving their feedback was listening to myself and deciding yes, that’s a really good suggestion or mmm, no, that doesn’t work. I love that I can trust myself to make the best decisions for me and for my work.

I was still stuck around my opening. The joke I’d conjured early on, while funny, didn’t quite fit my vibe or match my message. Terry was an excellent sounding board and helped me figure out where the dissonance was so I could decide how to tweak things.

The slide show is close to complete too. I’m ready to source some feedback on that, but I think any changes will be minor.

Thank goodness, I have a coaching session with Ignite 11’s speaker coach, Sonja Stetzler. I’m in great headspace now to really listen to her expert guidance.

Time to rehearse. And rehearse. And rehearse.

May 10, 2021: Hot damn, I’m finished. It just might be wonderful. Even if it’s not, it’s enough. I am enough.

Nicole stands in front of an Ignite Charlotte sign. She is smiling and holding a microphone.

I just got home from the Ignite Charlotte walk-through rehearsal, and I am so excited. Well, nervicited (nervous AND excited a la My Little Pony).

Bridget B. Sullivan, the founder and event producer of Ignite Charlotte, has such a calm presence, and she’d set everything up so that I could rehearse with confidence. She nodded in encouragement as I spoke and gave wonderful advice. I’ll be in good hands tomorrow night.

Even though, during the rehearsal, nerves made my voice shaky at times, and allergies made my throat scratchy, a shaky, scratchy voice will always win out over a silent voice.

I know my talk inside and out. There’s a solid chance everyone in my family could give this talk now that they’ve all heard it so many times. I’ve even taught a workshop in the space where I’ll be speaking, so I’ve confidently spoken in that space before. And best of all, I know that someone listening needs to hear this message about loving their body.

When I had the coaching session with Sonja Stetzler, that was one of my two takeaways. She reminded me that I wasn’t speaking for myself. I’m speaking to be of service to the audience. This was a concept that I knew but had lost hold of as I’d spiraled through the harder parts of the creative process.

Shining a light on the path of body acceptance and love so others can begin their own journeys has always been my why. This talk is just a new way to spread the message to more people.

So I’m surrendering my nerves to Divi.

I’m using my second takeaway from Sonja’s coaching session, which is to use my breath to calm my nerves, something else I knew but still need reminders for when my energy is so high.

And I’m going to be so kind and compassionate to myself for the next 30+ hours because I have done my best, and it will be enough. It may even be wonderful.