Body-Positive Media

Face: One Square Foot of Skin, A Book Review

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I’ve been excited to read this book since a friend popped into my DMs to tell me it existed. A book that takes a deep dive into how society perceives women’s faces as they age? And explores the effects of those perceptions on women? This is exactly the kind of conversation I want to have.

Justine Bateman (yep, Mallory from Family Ties) wrote a collection of fictional vignettes about the ingrained (and also fictional) beliefs we carry that teach us aging faces are ugly, undesirable, and unworthy. What bullshit. Yet we shame, demean, and ignore women as they age as if the wisdom they’ve collected is worthless. And this happens simultaneously as many women finally break free of the bonds that have kept them small and quiet. Fuck you, patriarchy.

I’m so glad this book exists because of the conversations that the title alone can spark. That said, I didn’t love this book. It was an okay reading experience. Many of the vignettes felt repetitive. I think this is purposeful. Our wrinkles and sagging skin and age spots are bludgeoned with the same marching-band beat throughout our lives, so to see so many women of different ages and life experiences hit with the same fat cudgel of shame makes sense. But it got tiresome to read, especially because there were very few moments of redemption. So many of the women in these short stories attempt to stave off the perceived threat and shame of aging with miracle creams and needles and surgeries.

I wanted these women to find ways to rise up like tsunamis and swamp the haters with their brilliance. And they didn’t. Many of their stories open with them feeling fly and end with them being crushed by the awareness that others are critiquing them like the meanest judge on reality TV. And the worst part—many of the people doing the smack-talking were other women. True to life and also gross.

Just last week, a social media acquaintance shared an old Geritol ad that shamed women in their forties for looking so old. Her post invited women to show how great they look today by comparison. And whew, did people say some rude, rude stuff about the women in that long-ago ad. It was unsettling and icky. We cannot lift ourselves up by putting other women down.

Even though I didn’t love the book, I think it’s a worthwhile read. Pick it up and randomly read stories rather than trying to read it straight through. Let it inspire conversations with yourself and with others about aging and the ways our faces reflect our lived experiences and what you want that to actually mean.

Dear Voice,

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Your worth can never be measured in a mirror.

Nicole C. Ayers

It’s been a month since you stepped onto the Ignite Charlotte stage, and I think I’m finally ready to reflect on the experience.

The weeks leading up to the event were a predictable roller coaster of emotions as I moved through all the steps of the creative process. Because I cared so much about this talk, each stage was intense—the highs were high and the lows were low. I’m so glad I chronicled each part of the journey because I know it will be a shining beacon for our next adventures.

I want more than anything for you and me to have more adventures like Ignite Charlotte.

The day of the talk, Nerves made an appearance, of course. But I used every tool that I have to keep them in the back seat while I drove.

I pampered myself and did things, like painting my nails and getting my hair styled, that make me feel beautiful. I’m sure you’re wondering why I spent time beautifying myself when my whole message is about not needing to look any certain way to be worthy of self-acceptance and love. I get it, and I promise I’m not being a hypocrite.

I chose to do things that make me feel beautiful and cared for because I wanted to radiate my shine. Having fancy hair and wearing makeup and nail polish all help me tap into my sparkle. As did my choice to wear glitter sneakers rather than high heels. Heels make me feel unsteady, so I didn’t wear them. Choosing jewelry that made me smile felt as good as the playlist I blasted on my way to the venue.

Each of my choices was designed to help me FEEL radiant, not LOOK beautiful.

So what else did I do to prepare?

I prayed. I asked Divi (my nickname for the Divine) to use you to spread the message of body-loving liberation through the talk. I sang and danced on the car ride. I chatted with my fellow participants. As show time neared, I took myself to a quiet(ish) spot, plopped myself in the floor, closed my eyes, and breathed. I sweet-talked myself and soothed Nerves.

When it was finally our turn, Hand made a deliberate effort to hold the mic gently. I took one more grounding breath. And you rang out.

You were glorious and steady and strong. You said everything I wanted you to say, and you were magnificent. I am so proud of you, so proud of us.

You took every moment I’ve prepared for public speaking—starting with that speech in fifth grade about Mrs. Woods, the school cafeteria manager, and her chicken noodle soup that warmed hearts as much as bellies—and you announced to the world that you are ready for more.

I don’t know yet what more looks like, but I’m dreaming wildly about the possibilities. I envision us speaking to small, intimate groups of women and standing on brightly lit stages in packed auditoriums. And podcasts and IGTV interviews and opportunities that I’ve yet to even dream up.

We are going to change the world, one talk at a time.

Nicole C. Ayers

More Than a Body Book Review

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“Positive body image isn’t believing your body looks good; it is knowing your body is good, regardless of how it looks.”

Book Description: Our beauty-obsessed world perpetuates the idea that happiness, health, and ability to be loved are dependent on how we look, but authors Lindsay and Lexie Kite offer an alternative vision. With insights drawn from their extensive body image research, Lindsay and Lexie—PhDs and founders of the nonprofit Beauty Redefined (and also twin sisters!)—lay out an action plan that arms you with the skills you need to reconnect with your whole self and free yourself from the constraints of self-objectification.

I recently read More Than a Body: Your Body Is an Instrument, Not an Ornament  by Dr. Lindsay Kite and Dr. Lexie Kite. Their IG account, @beauty_redefined, is one I love to follow, so I have been looking forward to reading their book.

It’s a solid read about living in a world that tries to make us believe that how we look is the most important thing about us. They use a metaphor, the Sea of Self-Objectification, throughout the book to help readers understand the many ways, or waves, that we can be overwhelmed by how we view our bodies, as well as other people’s.

They weave together research and personal stories to offer actionable ideas to stop objectifying our bodies. I especially like their focus on building resilience as we practice facing our “feelings of body shame or embarrassment” and using them as “a catalyst for personal growth.” Their reflection questions, if answered thoughtfully, can help readers get very clear about how they feel about their bodies and why.

My favorite section was “Critiquing and Creating Your Media Environment” with “From Divided to United as Women” my second. Back in my classroom days, I taught media literacy to my students, so I was happy to see the way this book helps readers deconstruct media messaging about our bodies as well as offering tips about how to curate media experiences that don’t leave us filled with body shame. And helping women understand that we don’t have to push anyone else down to lift ourselves up, especially around how we look, is a message that I will always support.

I also appreciated their thoughts about school dress codes, as I navigate this gauntlet daily with my daughters. On this and many other topics, they helped me refine my own thoughts and provided language to support me in articulating the messages I want to share.

I think this would be a fantastic read for people new to the concept of body acceptance. But it’s also useful for people who have been treating their bodies with more kindness for a while to refresh and refine their thoughts.

Sitting Pretty Review

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orange book cover of Sitting Pretty by Rebekah Taussig. Rebekah sits in her wheelchair, wearing a yellow shirt and black shorts.

I began following Rebekah on Instagram about a year ago, and I was immediately captivated with her turns of phrase. She’s a natural storyteller. When I found out she had a book coming out, I put it high on my wish list. Sitting Pretty did not disappoint.

I felt an immediate connection with Rebekah. I call her Rebekah as if we’re buddies. We’re not. But I feel like we easily could be. We’re about the same age, and memories she shared of growing up often sparked similar memories for me, such as playing house and imagining fantasy romances after watching soap operas.

She writes about living as a disabled woman in a world that often doesn’t consider her needs at all. I appreciated her honesty and her encouragement that we look at even the most uncomfortable aspects of disability, such as the complications of kindness and the way that the cost of healthcare forces people to make hard decisions.

What I most appreciated, though, was her gentle yet insistent urging that we use our imaginations and bring people with diverse bodies to our conversations to improve everyone’s experiences. Rebekah shared her experience as a teacher and how exhausting and grueling the workload and expectations often are, which is amplified for her because her campus’s accessibility makes a task as simple as grabbing lunch an ordeal.

This resonated so deeply because I left teaching because the workload and expectations weren’t sustainable for me, and for so many others, as evidenced by the teacher shortage in many areas. But as Rebekah posits, what if we imagined teaching differently? Could it look different? Could it be kinder to our teachers’ physical, mental, and emotional needs? Could it grow into a more sustainable model that doesn’t burn people out? Of course it could. We just need to imagine it and then work to create it.

Read Sitting Pretty. It will make your ponder a more accessible world long after the you finish the last essay.

Two Book Reviews: What We Don’t Talk About When We Talk about Fat and One To Watch

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Book cover of What We Don't Talk about When We Talk about Fat by Aubrey Gordon, creator of Your Fat Friend. White words on red background.

Book cover of One to Watch by Kate Stayman-London. Blue background with drawing of a woman's back. The woman is wearing a pink dress and heels and is holding a diamond ring behind her back. She is surrounded by video cameras.

Over the holidays, I read two books, one nonfiction (What We Don’t Talk About When We Talk about Fat by Aubrey Gordon), one fiction (One to Watch by Kate Stayman-London), that described the experiences of women living in larger bodies. Reading these two books back-to-back amplified their messages of inclusivity and body positivity and showed with poignant clarity the problems with fat phobia.

What We Don’t Talk About When We Talk about Fat

In What We Don’t Talk about When We Talk About Fat by Aubrey Gordon, creator of Your Fat Friend, Gordon writes a series of essays about navigating the world in her body. Her essays are both personal and academic and very readable. She writes about her experiences flying, the assumptions society at large has about her desirability, her medical-care history, and much more.

I appreciated her candor and vulnerability, and I felt like I was attending a master class in how to honor other people’s experiences without being an asshole. The chapter “On Concern and Choice” was a powerful sermon about how much harm we cause when we tell people in larger bodies that we just want them to be “healthy,” a word so loaded in this context with condescenion and righteousness that it’s a weapon.

Gordon writes, “I did not come to body positivity for self-esteem. I came to it for social justice.” And her phenomenal work makes clear why we should all look at body positivity through this lens.

One to Watch

One to Watch, Kate Stayman-London’s debut novel, invites the reader into the fictional life of Bea Shumacher, a plus-size fashion blogger. Bea is charming and smart, and she upends her life when she agrees to be the star of a reality TV show similar to The Bachelorette. Bea knows this is a brilliant career move, and she hopes to inspire women who have never seen a woman with a body similar to theirs, in the role of the romantic heroine, on TV. She’s also committed to not falling in love. Her journey is tender and funny and heartbreaking, and I was engrossed from the first page.

Read Both

When I heard echoes of Aubrey Gordon in One to Watch, I was pleasantly surprised to find that author Kate Stayman-London thanked Aubrey Gordon for her fat activism in the acknowledgments. I highly recommend both books, and if you can read them in close proximity, I think it will deepen your appreciation for both.

A Note on the Word “Fat”

Some people, like Gordon, have chosen to reclaim “fat” as a body descriptor, as an adjective for their bodies, similar to tall, brunette, or thin. You may cheer this on and encourage their empowerment. But there are also lots of folks who have been brutalized by the word and will never choose to use it. For them, that is an empowering choice. As with so many things, this is personal and individual. Let’s honor everyone’s choices. And only use “fat” to describe a body if that body is your own and you’re comfortable with the descriptor, or the person you’re describing has invited you to do so.

Insignificant Events in the Life of a Cactus

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by Dusti Bowling

Summary: “Whoa! What happened to your arms?”

Aven Green gets that question a lot. She loves to tell people that she lost her arms in an alligator wrestling match, or a wildfire in Tanzania, but the truth is she was born without them. And when her parents take a job running Stagecoach Pass, a rundown western theme park in Arizona, Aven moves with them across the country knowing that she’ll have to answer the question over and over again.

book cover of Insignificant Events in the Life of a Cactus by Dusti Bolwing. It is a drawing of a desert scene with cacti.

Aven is a fantastic character who reminded me that people with different abilities don’t need or want my pity. Aven’s parents have always pushed her to figure things out, and she’s one of the most capable heroines I’ve ever met (in the book, of course; although, I’d love to hang out with Aven in real life).

Aven may not have arms, but she doesn’t need them to hold the reader captive with her wit, tenacity, and intelligence. She can teach us all lessons in self-love and self-acceptance.